The Billiken's Bluff

Mike Ditka, former Chicago Bears coach, is considering running for Senate, taking Illinois Republican nominee Jack Ryan's place on the November ballot.



Ryan withdrew from the race after Marv Albert-esque sex allegations swirled around him during the divorce proceedings from his wife, actress Jeri Ryan. Ditka is not commiting to anything at this point, but his fans and constituents are urging him to run, and have developed a website dedicated to the cause.

This is not unprecedented. In Minnesota a pro-wrestler, Jesse Ventura, become governor of the state. In California, a futuristic cyborg Terminator is now governor. Not to mention the more banal, but nonetheless relevant, career trajectory of Bill Bradley NBA Hall of Famer who became New Jersey Senator. And Ditka wouldn't even be the first football coach to make the jump from the pig skin to Capitol Hill. After a highly successful career as football coach at Univ. Nebraska, Tom Osborne was elected Congressman in Nebraska's 3rd District.

Coaches are natural leaders, particularly football coaches. Just imagine the possibilites of a Bill Parcells/Bill Bellicheck Ticket. Parcells as president would be equal parts Clinton and Rumsfeld. Like Rumsfeld, Parcells would be the loud mouth cowboy, barking his way into trouble (diatribing about Old Europe, Japs, and the Orientals) and then smooth talking his way out of it like Slicky Willy. Behind the scenes Bellicheck, the master logistician, would be secretly pulling the strings in his Cheney-esque role. He would come to work dressed like a schlub in sweat pants but he would be a forced to be reckoned with.

This dynamic ticket would win the hearts and minds of the American public. It would unite the country across partisan lines. They would take a no-nonsense approach to the executive office. The Bills sacking the deficit. The Big Tuna threatening to cut certian unproductive states like West Virginia and Delaware from the Union, unless they start to pull their weight. Bellicheck drawing up a corner blitz to hit Bin Laden in his blindside. If there is one thing the America citizen respects it is a coach/president who has a proven track and produces results.

Of course Mike Ditka throwing his hat in the political ring would beg the question of all questions- What would happen if Ditka, of the G.O.P., ran against G.O.D? I'll let Chevy Chase field this one-

Ditka 283 --- GOD 14 . Well there you have it folks.

"I'm not a genius," Ditka said Monday. "I'm pretty common sense. I'm just a guy. [But] I don't see a whole lot of [common sense] prevailing in the Senate right now." I couldn't agree more.