The Billiken's Bluff

I was watching ESPN's Sportscenter this morning when I was blindsided by a faceoff between blowhard Micheal Irvin and the ever-combustible Stephen A. Smith. ESPN has these crossfire conversations quite regularly. The network usually pairs one fiery orator with a more subdued, cerebral analyst.

ESPN will group the likes of former relief pitcher Rob Dibble with the oracle-like Peter Gammons.



One of the best pairings is the always flammable Sean Salisbury and the egg-headed John Clayton, who plays the alto to Salisbury's soprano. Salisbury yells his arguments at the nerdish Clayton. You're never quite sure if Salisbury will leap across the desk and punt Clayton out of the studio.



You need some give and take. Some contrast. Some ebony and Ivory. Michael Wilbon and Tony Kornheiser host their PTI show as if they were starring in some sort of mismatched buddy comedy as Spike Lee and Woody Allen. Contrast is a key to this particular format. They play off one another.



Besides competent analysis, these TV tandems are funny. Wilpon and Kornheiser realize that debating the finer points of NFL Instant Replay is the trivialist of topics. But part of the reason we watch is because they are witty and they seem to be having a good time with the subjects at hand.

Stephen A. Smith and Michael Irvin simply yell at one another.



No jokes. No give and take. No clue. Only yelling. Now I think I have some idea what it sounded like at the Giant Cricket Gambling Ring in Hong Kong. Lots of screeching. They are essentially the same person. They get worked up to a rabid level (although I suspect Irvin gets his energy from some supplemental sources, I'm not sure how Smith gets so worked up) and begin screaming incredulously at one another.

The topic they were discussing was beyond inane. Irvin was arguing that NFL pre-season Football is a big event, and that the player's compete with the utmost of passion. Stephen A. was arguing that the Olympics is a bigger draw and the players care more. That's like comparing apples and oranges. Irvin pointed out that while there are empty seats at the Olympic events, the pre-season NFl stadiums are sold out. Hey Michael, the Olympics are being held in Greece. The NFL games are being played in the US. If you want to make a legitimate observation, compare the TV ratings in the US for the two events, not ticket sales.

The topic was pointless as were the debaters, but it was not completely devoid of humor. Irvin argued that pre-season football (where the starters play about 5 minutes a game) is a display of pure passion, and the American value of HOPE. Wow. He went on to say the NFL pre-season is a "must-see" because you get to see 3rd and 4th string football players competing for a roster position. Why is this a "must-see" TV you ask? Irvin explains these players are competing so that they can provide for their families.

Yeaaaaa, that is not exactly why I watch NFL games. The NFL isn't some ill-concieved reality show starring 5 lower-middle class janitors trying to clean enough toilets so that they can provide for their family. It's professional football. You want to see tackles, touchdowns, two-point conversions. Watching men provide for their family does not increase the drama and is not the reason anyone watches the NFL.

I know ESPN won't fire these two, but I would suggest that they at least seperate them. I can't take that type of verbal assault at 8:00 AM.