The Billiken's Bluff

While surfing the Internet today I found some startingly prescient predictions the National Enquirer made in December 2003.


-Britney Spears will marry twice within the next the next year.

-It will come to light that Dick Cheney has been deceased since early 2001. A high-tech cyborg developed through a Cayman Island subsidiary of Halliburton has been taking the place of Cheney at state functions and the occasional press conference. The cyborg is identical to Cheney in every aspect, however it does not have the ability to smile.

-Jennifer Lopez will dump Ben Affleck and father the child of Marc Anthony.

-After Arnold Schwarzenegger joins Jesse "The Mind" Ventura as the second actor from the Predator film to be elected as governor, Carl Weathers, a.k.a. Apollo Creed, announces his candidacy for Senate.

-Much to the disappoint of Bears fans, former NFL football coach Mike Ditka, announces he will not run for Senate in Illinois.

-The aforementioned Schwarzenegger will borrow some of his more memorable film quoteables and use them in political speeches. He will taunt his Democratic challengers by calling them girly men. And declaring that he will terminate all competition. People will listen.

-As the one of the featured speakers at the 2004 Republican National Convention in Madison Square Garden, Schwarzenegger will be lowered on to stage from a Helicopter, shirtless, tan and well-oiled. Karl Rove will explain the unusual entrance as a representation of the Bush administration's strong stance on the war against terror.

-George W. Bush will deliver the keynote address of the Republican Convention from a top secret stage. The multi-million dollar stage will be created by researchers working out of NASA headquarters in Houston and an undisclosed facility in Los Alamos. The stage places Bush on an oval dais at the end of a long plank. Karl Rove will explain the stage design by saying it represents Bush's strength as leader, while also illustrating his identification with the average citizen. Aliens from Alpha Centuri will see the stage as another thing entirely, and mistake it for a transmission pod. The Aliens will erroneously beam President Bush to their starship. Arnold, shirtless, oiled, accepts the nomination.

-The public will be shocked when it comes to light that the commission set up to investigate the 9/11 attacks has received over $50 million less funding than the independent counsel led by Ken Starr received to investigate MonicaGate. When questioned about the matter Ken Starr sympathizes with the outraged public and issues a statement declaring that because both events revolved around the desecration of an erect structure, that they should have at least received equal funding. Starr announces that he will immediately set up an independent counsel to investigate the matter.

The National Enquirer made a multitude of predictions for 2004. I will keep you updated as I make my way through them.