Fasten, fit closely, bind together.

Friday, November 05, 2004

Open Letter to Anti-Bushocrats 

Dear Anti-Bushocrats,

Stop crying right now and pull yourselves together. Seriously, right now. This country is too important to have an opposition party that falls any further over the cliff than you already have over the past four years, and I can already see you little lemmings lining up for a synchronized swan dive. Besides, with this week's complete and total victory for my peeps I should be allowed for a few days to be drunk with happiness -and your new hatred of the country is harshing my buzz.

You're allowed to be sad and disappointed - I don't blame you. You just took a Peter McNeeley-style beating in a fight against Tyson, and got a piece of your ear spit back in your face for added humiliation. But before you get back in the ring and start swinging you need to pick that ear up and sew that bad boy back on - 'cuz you got sum serious hearing to do!

I can imagine how much it would have to full-on suck to feel like your country is going to hell. It's hard to imagine, of course, since I happen to believe that the American people have fufillied an obligation to our history and to our forefathers, pulling out an electoral victory that is unrivaled in its importance since perhaps the one in 1864 which I alluded to in my last post. But I'm not here to rub the poo in your face, or dance around like a happy little wood-nyph basking in my glory, or even to point out how consistently and accurately I explained to you all how and why this would happen. Forget all that. I want to use my Billken space to point out to you that as battered, bitch-slapped Anti-Bushocrats you have an opportunity now, and an obligation all of your own.

I was sure it was going to be hilarious to watch the reaction of all the Anti-Bushocrats I detest the most. And don't get me wrong - I've been laughing my ass off! I can hardly keep up with the ridiculous liberal whining that is on display all over the country's editorials, columns, blogs and celebrity websites. I would put up some examples, but you all know what I'm talking about, I imagine - the usual suspects. George Soros, you dropped 100 million trying to make John Kerry president. That's hilarious. P Diddy, you thought you were gonna get tens of thousands of punk kids to show up to vote, but they didn't show up? Wicked funny. Michael Moore, Tim Robbins, Osama bin Laden - everybody, what happened? People, you just have to check out Moby's blog if you need a good laugh. What a deep thinker that dude is.

But this whole thing has had it's depressing aspect, strangely enough. The point is, my mockery and my middle-finger are reserved for these clowns, not for most of you New York lefties I've come to know and tolerate. You all are floppin' around like land-bound salmon gasping for air over here - let's get it together! Damn, its embarrassing.

Stop floppin' and let's talk about the opportunity - it starts with the name. Anti-Bushocrats. I think it's time for it to go. Sure, it's the perfect way to describe what has passed as your "platform" for the past four years. But now Bush is in for four years and it's not about getting him out anymore. Maybe it's time to actually, I don't know, stand for something? Let's consider.

How bout this, as a start: Don't tell me Bush planned 9/11. Don't tell me Bush is destroying the environment if you aren't prepared to talk about the statistics like air pollution levels (you may be surprised). Don't come at me with "tax cuts for the rich" if you don't know what you're talking about (and you won't if that's what you come with). Don't tell me you would have done Iraq better - you wouldn't have done it at all - but don't tell me we should have invaded North Korea or Iran instead because you wouldn't have supported that either (and you shouldn't, anyway). Don't tell me it's all about Halliburton if you haven't read - at the very least - our Billiken posts on the subject. And don't - don't - tell me Bush "lies," if you are not going to be able to point to a Bush lie that stands up to any scrutiny. This is all intellectual laziness, and it has not served you well. Has it?

Let's talk about the Dos. You might want to consider listening to Bill Clinton next time he tells you to support some of the cultural values most of the country seems to find important. You might consider listening to Zell Miller when he tells you to grow a spine when it comes to national defense. Whiny little NYU kids who storm Hillary Clinton's office to protest her vote for the war - I'm talking to you. She was trying to remain a semi-legitimate national Democratic figure, and she just shot to the top of a very, very short list that's getting smaller by the hour. Here's a thought - I'm not sure class warfare is working out for you either. This may come as a shocker, but Americans might not be the purely self-interested drones you thought they were.

But this brings me to my final point. Instead of elevating your perception of the Average American as you should be doing, I see the Anti-Bushocrats turning their hatred of a man they once could claim "stole an election" onto the American people who came out in record numbers to re-elect him. In the minds of NY Anti-Bs, all conservaives are ingnorant, racist, evil or some combination of those qualities. Frankly, I'll take the knowledge-bowl challenge with the nerdiest among you any day of the week. But that aside, who among you will deny that you have conversed, shared or argued with very few conservatives at all? That you are not almost wholly surrounded by fellow-minded Anti-Bushocrats? That when you come across a conservative, you are more likely to be intolerant of their views and unwilling to hear what they have to say? I have spent four plus years in the Manhattan jungle observing the behavior of the Anti-Bushocraticus Pissedofficus, and have taken careful notes.

I think it's time to evolve.

First step: do not turn your hatred on the American people. There are good folk out there, trust me on this. You do not have to agree with them on issues like stem cell research or gay marriages, but if you continue to ally with people like Michael Moore - who sincerely hates America - you will not be able to win them over in national elections on other issues that count. Whatever you do, in a time when we face determined enemies abroad that want to kill our innocent citizens you cannot allow yourselves to turn a similar hatred on fellow Americans. You have to learn to love this country - even when it swings the way you don't like. If you don't, no one else will.

John Kerry had the best line of his career when he said that "in an American election, there are no losers because whether or not your candidates are successful, the next morning, we all wake up as Americans. And that is the greatest privilege and the most remarkable good for the time that can come to us on earth."

Your first assignment as former Anti-Bushocrats is to realize how true that is, and not to forget it in the four years to come. Don't let this one election get you down; the terrorists would have loved to disrupt the election with a bloody attack, but instead we woke up on November 3rd having had another peaceful, successful show of democracy - a victory over our enemies. Can you feel no victory in that?

So cheer up and stop sippin' the Haterade. A little patriotism won't kill you - tell Michael Moore to take hike. Get out there and meet a few red-staters or conservatives, if you can find them - and show them some love! Give them some of those "hugs" you liberals seem to want to use all the time. After that you can sit down, build yourselves a platform, jump back in the ring and put your dukes up. We need the fight and it takes two to tango out there! Until then, I remain

Respectfully yours,


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