The Billiken's Bluff

"Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house"

AND

"i tried my best to put it on vvvvvviiiiiibbbrrraatttteeeee!!!!" (R. Kelly referring to his cellphone)

These are just two of the absolute gems that R. Kelly sings in his latest single. "Trapped in the Closet" is a 5-part R&B Melodrama/Soap Opera. In this epic ballad R. Kelly sets out to tell a tale in Slick Rick narrative form. However rather than rapping, he croons. Witness...

Ho, I shoulda known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt

And if you don't think it's humanly possible to sing a line like that without cracking up, then you obviously aren't familiar with Robert Kelly, who time after time pushes the limits of what is possible.

For example this is a man who has avoided jail for three years despite having been videotaped urinating on a naked 14 year-old . He is still churning out music and, in fact openly and proudly refers to himself as the Pied-Piper of R&B (In the fairy tale, the Pied-Piper leads children along with his magic flute). If he can manage that fete, nothing... nothing is impossible.

Here are some of my favorite lines from the song...

“Shh, shh, quiet
Hurry up and get in the closet”
She said, “Don’t you make a sound
Or some shit is going down”
I said, “Why don’t I just go out the window?”
“Yes, except for one thing, we on the 5th floor”
“Shit. Think. Shit. Think. Shit, quick, put me in the closet”
And now I’m in this darkest closet, tryin’ to figure out
Just how I’m gonna get my crazy ass up out this house"


But it gets better, this song is accompanied by a video/5-part-DVD-mini-movie that is equal parts unneccesarily dramatic and completely fantastic. In this video, R. Kelly makes it clear this is not a joke, and Trapped in the Closet is not a metaphor. Being Trapped in a Closet is not symbolic for some inner struggle that this man is coming to terms with; no Robert Kelly is literally trapped in a bedroom closet.


Next thing you know, a call comes through on my cell phone
I tried my best to quickly put it on vibrate
But from the way he act, I could tell it was too late
He hopped up and said, “There’s a mystery going on
And I’m gonna solve it”
And I’m like, “God please, don’t let this man open this closet”

He walks up to the closet
He comes up to the closet
Now he’s at the closet
Now he’s opening the closet…

He walks in the bathroom
And looks behind the door
She says, "Baby, come back to bed"
He says, "Say no more"
He pulls back the shower curtain
While she's biting her nails
Then he walks back to the room
Right now, I'm sweating like hell
Checks under the bed
Then under the dresser
He looks at the closet
I pull out my Baretta

I said, "We need to resolve this"
And he stepped to me, I'm like woah
"There's a reason I'm in this closet"
He says, "Yeah, what are you, taking clothes?"

You really have to see the video and hear the song to get the full-effect of just how unbelievable this production truly is.

I was scouring the internet for some appropriate pictures of Robert Kelly to add to this post. And what I discovered is that R. Kelly appears to have come out of the closet a long time ago. Consider these photos...





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Trapped in the Closet... Well then come out of the closet already Robert. Come on! I predict that in Chapter 5 of this R&B Drama, R. Kelly comes out of the closet for real.

You heard it here first.