The Billiken's Bluff

The Knicks looked absolutely horrific last night, and went down 2-0 to the Nets in their 1st round playoff series. They showed zero heart and no intensity, but that is all about to change. Just ask Tim Thomas, who was injured in Game 1 when Jason Collins flagrantly fouled him on a dunk attempt.



Thomas, the one with the C-notes sticking out of his cap, said,"My goal is just to get back out there on the court before this series is over so I can go hit somebody. That's it. That's all I'm looking forward to," Thomas said Wednesday. "What's been done to me is going to be done to them. It's very simple."

Thomas saved his most caustic comments for Kenyon Martin, repeatedly calling him "fugazy" -- a slang term for fake used in the mafia movie "Donnie Brasco."



"Just knowing his character, he's a fugazy guy. I read a comment that Jason Richardson said nobody wants to mess with a pit bull, but I've never seen a pit bull who picks and chooses who he wants to bite," Thomas said.

"He's fugazy as far as the whole tough guy role. You get techs and you get fines and that makes you tough? Because your game is wild and crazy, that makes you tough? When a scuffle breaks out, you have 13 guys that can protect you. When it's you and someone else, what happens then?

Thomas added, "Somebody call Don King and hook it up for us.''

I'll admit I was losing hope for the Knicks. I wasn't even going to watch the final two games of the series, but Thomas just turned this into some must see TV. He wants to get back on the court by game 4 to beat some Nets up. Looks like the Knicks have found the intensity that they were lacking. I always respect a Donnie Brasco reference. And if somehow Don King got involved in a Martin/Thomas boxing match , it would be a truly splendiferous and monumental event, fugehdaboutit.

Welcome to the first installment of BilliKAN--BilliKANT. The topic is a former NYU Violet, Talib Kweli. His new album 'Beautiful Struggle' is scheduled to be released sometime in June. But thanks to the internet and our good friend Larry, we already have it here at Billiken. I think it's a Quality album, Neill and the other hand feels that it is lack in something, and has given it two thumbs down. I quote, "I wish I had two more hands so I could give that album four thumbs down."

Deservedly or not, Talib Kweli has the reputation of being a conscious rapper with intelligent, socially aware lyrics. Neill and I will debate this topic.

BilliKAN


BilliKANT

Equal parts Buckwheat and Dragon Ball Z, Don King is a complex character...

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Like Jay-Z, he's Che Guevara with Bling Bling on...
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Like Al Sharpton and Donald Trump his coiffure defies gravity...

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He is the self-proclaimed undisputed heavyweight champion of the art of 'negrogiatation'.

Usually he can be found promoting his fights at boxing press conferences, but recently he's taken up a different cause, the 2004 George W. Bush reelection campaign. During an interview with CNN's Anderson Cooper, where he wore a jean jacket decorated with the likeness of George W., a Barbara Bush pin, and numerous American flags, King proclaimed that he's not a Democrat, not a Republican, but rather that rare hybrid a Republicrat. When Cooper asked him what kind of a chance John Kerry had in the 2004 election, King said, "John Kerry has two chances of winning this election- slim and none, and slim just left town." Well put.

He's freedom fighting, and not afraid to make a few bucks doing so. In between campaigning for Bush's presidency, he promoted the Ruiz/Oquendo Heavyweight title bout. He also made the claim that he has had a hand in making more black millionaries in this country than anyone else. However, he neglected to mention that he has bankrupted nearly as many. Nonetheless Don King is, as Dave Chapelle can attest, truly a spendiferous and monumentous self-made American.

I was looking through the Billiken posts and noticed there is a conspicous absence of sporting news on this blog. This would come as a real shock if you saw just how much Sportscenter I watch. I guess I haven't really had much to get heated about. The Knicks haven't even been worth talking about. Any team that gives DerMarr Johnson and Vin Baker significant playing time is a joke. Despite their best efforts, the Knicks limped their way into the playoffs. I never thought I would yearn for the good ol' days when Allan Houston was firing up jumpshots, but Knicks have no shot of beating the Nets in the 1st round without him. But enough about underachieving New York athletes, let's talk about a someone from the neighborhood who made good... Ron Artest.

If the Knicks had any feel for talent or business savvy, Ron Artest, NBA All-Star and Defensive Player of the Year, would be a Knick today. Scott Layden, quite possibly the most inept GM in the history of professional sports, decided to draft 7'2'' Frenchman Fredric Weis. Weis never even made it across the Atlantic, and has the dubious distinction of being the stoog that allowed Vince Carter to jump over his head for a dunk.



Artest was a proven hometown player. He took St. johns to the Elite 8 in the NCAA tournament, he was born in raised in Queensbridge (Ooochiewally,). But, there's no use crying over spilt milk.



Artest has turned into a terrific player, averaging 18 points 5 rebounds and 2.5 steals a game. Big Ron has always had a temper problem. He had a few run ins last year with some officials and television monitors. But this year he has toned it down.

On the same day that he was named Defensive Player of the Year, he was also suspended for Game 2 of Indiana's 1st round playoff series against Boston. Jermaine O'Neal got into a shoving match with a Boston player, and Artest leaped off the bench to get his teamate out of trouble. He ran all of 5 steps off the bench before realizing that it was against NBA rules to leave the bench during a skirmish.

This is the same rule that caused 2/3 of the Knicks' team team to be suspended for a playoff game against teh Heat a few years back. It's ridiculous. David Stern and Stu Jackson need to look at the spirit of the rule on this one. It's meant to punish those who leave the bench to participate in a fight. Only problem is; 1. Artest wasn't in the fight, and 2. there was no fight.

It's clear Stern is punishing Artest for being such a thug last year. He could have let this one slide. On the same day, Saturday, the Net's choir boy Richard Jefferson left his seat when Jason Kidd and Frank Williams exchanged shoves. Stern must fallen asleep during that game (which is understandable because the Nets were playing the Knicks!)

This is old news by now, but it's still something that needs to be commented on. Victoria's Secret, who for the past two years ran a lingerie special on CBS, has decided to preemptively cancel their special this year. They are doing this to avoid the notoriety that they would no doubt receive for airing a prime time show featuring beautiful women in their underwear. To their credit, Victoria's Secret did not try to take the high road and claim that they felt airing such a special would be indecent. Rather, they said that due to the increased public scrutiny that such events have been receiving, and due to the FCC's hardline approach to indecency, they are pulling the program. It's a new day. Remember this is the year 2004 of Our Lord Savior, there is a new standard of morality sweeping across the nation.


What is so different about 2004, than 2003 when the show received high ratings, or 1999 when the special was broadcasted on the internet receiving so many hits that cbs.com had to shut down for 20 minutes? Well just about everything. Janet's exposed spiked-metal-star boob ruined it for us all. It was soggy, droopy, and as a result we won't be seeing any of what Janet was desperately in need of- a
support bra.

But Janet really isn't the culprit. Things are getting a bit out of hand with the crusade on sexuality. Howard Stern has been kicked off of Clear Channel for producing the same raunchy product that he has for years. People still want to hear Howard, and they still want to see Victoria's Secret Models strut down the runway. But unfortunately those who are shocked by such such smut are waging a war on the private parts of the body.

Ok I have a solution. Instead of worrying about Little Dick And Jane flipping the channel to CBS and seeing Tyra Banks in a thong....Don't let them watch TV. Have them read a book. Read them a book. Play a board game. Get them some paints and pastels. Do something.

The commission investigating the attacks on Sept. 11th has less than 1/4 of the funding that was allotted to the Independent Counsel headed by Ken Starr to investigate Bill Clinton. Starr had $65 million, while the 9/11 commission has $15 million. Starr's inquiry into Monica Lewinsky cost 12.4 Million dollars alone. Clinton provided 5 hours of testimony in front of Starr's counsel. Bush is expected to give an hour of unsworn testimony behind closed doors to the 9/11 commission.

Talk about fuzzy math. These numbers should be put on a bumper sticker or something. Once again this administration has managaed to shock and awe me.

You too may be asking this question in the near future. A research team at the University of Illinois is working on turning pig manure into a crude form of oil. The conversion process uses intense heat and pressure to break down the molecular structure of manure into oil. It's like the natural process that turns organic matter into oil over centuries, but in the laboratory the process can take as little as a half-hour.

Apparently this is not as far-fetched as it sounds. A similar process is being used at a plant in Carthage, Mo., where tons of turkey entrails, feathers, fat and grease from a nearby Butterball turkey plant are converted into a light crude oil.

This is a real interesting and exciting form of renewable energy. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't see it coming. I was thinking more along the lines of solar powered cars. But the benefits of pig manure energy could be even greater than simply a new form of renewable energy. In fact I think these pigs could diffuse one of the most contentious situations in the world today. Pig manure is an issue that both Palestinians and Israelis can unite on. Both Judaism and Islam have strict dietary edicts prohibiting pork because it is an unclean animal. If the US is able to perfect this pig manure process and starts churning out barrels to fuel factories, cars, and airplanes I could see the Muslims and the Jews joining forces against the unclean, unholy, pig-pumping USA. They might come to realize that they're not so different after all and America is the one that has been stinking up the globe. I guess I'm just a dreamer.

But if what my sister tells me is true Spain is the country that could stand to lose the most. She says all they eat over there is pork. And if pigs turn out to be a rich source of energy, how long will it be before we decide to launch Operation Spanish Freedom? Sending in troops, along with Halliburton. I just hope they leave Mallorca alone! It's too pretty for all that nonsense.

The good folks at Verizon, who brought us such creative advertising campaigns as the Verizon worker asking, Can you hear me now? , are at it again. Their new campaign features the Elliots a multicultural family who just installed Verizon DSL in their suburban home. The father is teaching his sons how to use the email account. Sounds like a fairly boring premise for a television campaign. But hold your horses.

I'm reminded of a joke:

A father and son are involved in a terrible car accident. The father dies immediately. The son is rushed to the hospital where he is brought into the emergency room. The surgeon comes in and says, "I can't operate on this boy because he is my son."

How can this be? The father died in the car accident, right? And of course the punchline is that the surgeon is the boy's Mother. The punchline is aimed directly at the listener who is presumably too prejudiced or conditioned (even my conditioned has been conditioned) to think of the possibility that a woman could be the surgeon.

The narrow-mindedness that this joke illustrates is very similar to the reaction I had when I saw this commercial. There is this middle class white father, Mr. Elliot, who is trying to show his two sons how to include a picture in the body of the email. The two sons respond, come on Dad we already knoooooow how to do that. It's suburban, normal, mundane, except for the fact that Mr. Elliot's two sons look black or at Puerto Rican, but certainly not white. I kept waiting for the punchline. I kept waiting for Mrs. Elliot, the black mother to come into the living room. At least then the commercial would have felt vaguely familiar. White father + Black mother = Mixed children. That is the equations that would have satisfied my expectations. But Verizon completely got rid of the safety net on this one. Mrs. Elliot does not make an appearance.

This is not a normal suburban family at least by television standards. This commercial seemed out of place to me. Not so much because I haven't been exposed to multiracial families (I'm half Irish, half Syrian) but because you never seen this on television. If you do it's always framed a certain way. Both the black and white parent are present, to help explain the situation to the viewer, i.e., how these multiracial children came to be. Verizon's commercial offers no explanation, or apology for the family grouping that it presents. It just offers quality high speed internet service.

I realize that I often make bold, unfounded conspiracy claims. I also realize that as a student with liberal tendancy I often take the ANTI-everything stance (particularly when it comes to this government, or large corporations). When I started writing this post I was even planning on attacking Verizon for trying to appear diverse. But I'm starting to realize that this type of thinking isn't always productive. Verizon doesn't do anything wrong by presenting a family that is unusual by television commercial standards. In fact they are probably doing something right. If there were more presentations of families like the Elliots on television then maybe more people wouldn't be fooled by the "Mother/Surgeon" joke.

The Billiken's Bluff has been operating for just about a month. I'm very happy with the feedback I've received about the site. It's varied from, "I really like what you're doing. Keep up the good work!" To, "What the hell is a Billiken anyway? Stop it with the Billikens." Both valid points.

I'm slowly but surely becoming computer literate. Today I managed to set up a Guestbook for Billiken's Bluff. You can find it if you scroll to the bottom of the page. I'd like to find out who visits this site, any and all comments would be appreciated.

I'm also trying to start a weekly Op-Ed piece where I square off against Neill. We disagree on almost everything so it should be ripe with conflict. This section will be called BilliKAN/BilliKAN'T.

I was looking at the title line of Billiken's Bluff and I feel as if I may not be living up to the mission statement that I set out for this blog. I haven't discussed Andre 3000 even once on this site, and yet this post here will be my second (in two days no less) about Born Again Christians. Sorry Possum Jenkins, but I just seem to be running into more fanatical Christians these days than I know what to do with.

It was a beautiful day at Union Square Park. I was reading and enjoying the weather, when a group of 15 high school aged kids in matching t-shirts, started to set up a Prayer Station .



Two girls approached a homeless man sitting next to me and asked him if he'd like a lunch. Sure he would, but there's a catch. He had to answer a few survey questions. Sounds innocent enough right? Anything in the name of scienific inquiry.

1. Is God playing a larger role in your life today than He was 5 years ago?

2. Is there a Church, Temple, or Synogogue that you regularly attend? If yes, then which one?

3. Do you pray at least once a day?

4. If you were to die today do you think you would go to Heaven?

5. And finally if you had to stand before God today and he asked you what is the reason that I should let you into Heaven, What would you say to Him?

The homeless man answered the questions. For the final question he responded, that God would let him into Heaven because he has tried his best to live a good life. The young street evangelists responded, fine but what do you do on a daily basis to try to get into heaven? Do you perform selfless deeds like helping old women across the street?

Keep in mind that this man was homeless, and looked to be about 65 years old . He was in no position to help anyway across a street. This went back and forth for a bit. They gave him the sandwich. I could tell it was my turn.

I wasn't really in the mood to be grilled with questions (it was a nice day out). But they asked if I could just fill out the survey. I said fine. I answered Yes to the first four questions, thinking that I was being fairly honest. I also figured it would cause a minimum of debate if I gave them the answers they wanted to hear. But that last question wasn't so easy. It wasn't a yes/no, true/false question. I had to come up with something to say to God. Something that would get me past the pearly gates, or at the very least make God chuckle. I tried to think of what Woody Allen or Christopher Walken might say if they were posed the same question. I was drawing a blank. Nothing funny, clever, or poignant. And then a flash of inspiration from none other than Lucacris...

5. And finally if you had to stand before God today and he asked you what is the reason that I should let you into Heaven, What would you say to Him?

I'd say MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY, GET OUT THE WAY, MOVE.

Now I wouldn't seriously say that to God. I would definately address him respectfully, and would actually would welcome the opportunity to talk with him. But I just wanted to get a rise out of these girls, you know, for shits and giggles.

This was one of those tests where the teacher grades you on the spot. So these two girls, who couldn't have been older than 17, looked over my answers. They didn't try to debate me on #5, my answer was pretty cut and dry. They said if I wanted any information, or just wanted to pray with them I should just stop by the Prayer Station.

Oh but wait there's more. A gentleman in a gold colored suit and green leather shoes tried to hand me a flyer for Due Amici Pizzeria. I declined. He stopped by the Prayer Station with the pizza flyers. I return to my book. A few minutes later I heard someone rapping. I look over at the Prayer Station and Mr. Gold Suit and Green Shoes is busting a little freestyle about Jesus Christ, all while one of the street evangelists films him on her camcorder. Good God almighty.



Again I'm reminded of a line from Talib Kweli's new album. "Feeling like you have to sneak into Heaven, when the Reverend look like the Pimp, and the Pimp look like the Reverend." Talib is proving to be very prophetic in describing my daily encoutners with Christianity.

I'll keep you guys posted on Talib, the Prayer Station, and Aaron's Bible Megasite.

Talib Kweli has a line in a song off his forthcoming album that goes- "It doesn't matter if you a Muslim, Hebrew, or your a Christian...Information is the newest religion." Well put. And conversely, religion appears to be the newest information, the newest pop up ad, the newest intrusive wesbite that attacks your internet explorer unprovoked.

Enter Aaron and his Bible Megasite. If you try and get to my website and type: www.billikenbluff.blogpsot.com you end up here. ***Check out this website at your own risk. I take no responsibility if you become a Born Again Christian***

It would be very easy to make some sarcastic remarks about Aaron, to point out some the more blatant contradicitions in his logic, to list some of the funnier fire and brimstone predictions his site makes, or to comment on the just how much of America buys into this type of Christianity. But, I'm not going to do that right now.

I'm just surprised that this Aaron character would try to trick people onto his site, by deliberately mispelling blogspot. I recall discussing a case in my Law and Society class last semester where a mother brought charges against a porn website that had a web address one letter off from Disney.com, something like Dinsey.com. She argued they were trying to lure immpressionable young children onto their porn site. Well I would argue that Aaron is trying to lure immpressionable young college students onto his Born Again site. Not cool Aaron, not cool. I expect a certain amount of insidious pop-up ads and intrusive advertisements when I go on the internet, but I don't expect this type of piracy of the Billiken Bluff's well respected name by Aaron and his Technicolor Bible Megasite.

Anyone who has watched Major League Baseball the past 7 years or has been to Sound Factory :
should be able to spot a juicehead when they see one. Sure there is Barry Bonds. You don't have to take a urine sample to know that a 30 year-old athlete does not put on 40 pounds of muscle in the prime of his career. But even after the fallout of the BALCO investigation, Bonds is still looking muscle bound this Spring. He must have found a new 'supplement,' to keep his biceps bulging and his cranium growing. But what I'm more interested in is Jason Giambi, another player who was listed as a client of the infamous BALCO lab. Let's look at some before (quitting steroids) and after (quitting steroids) photos:

BEFORE

Here is Giambi at the This is Giambi at the 2003 All Star game. Notice the muscles bulging out of his forearms.


Here is Giambi looking mean and vicious


AFTER

Here is a picture of Giambi from this 2004 Spring Training, post steroids. Notice the thin, almost human looking arms


And finally here is a projected picture of what Giambi should like like by the end of the season, once his system is completely clean.


Now granted I did see Giambi hit and opposite field homerun against the Devil Rays opening day in Japan. Maybe there is some hope for Giambi in life after steriods. A-Rod hits 50 homeruns a year and is hardly muscle bound.

But Barry's still bulky, and getting away with it (for the time being), so maybe Jason should have listened to Mobb Deep's advice. There ain't no such thing as a half way crook, they're scared to death scared to look. Your either in, or your out. You ball to you fall, or your body gives out like Ken Caminiti, Jose Canseco, or Mark McGwire's did. You don't just deflate yourself in the off season. Steinbrenner must be wicked pissed.

I came across this article from the NY Times this morning. I was reminded of Edward Norton's character in Fight Club lamenting that in the future everything will belong to corporations. Planet Starbucks, The Microsoft Galaxy. Well apparently we are taking a step in that direction with Walmart attempting to create a city within the Los Angeles suburb of Inglewood.

I've never been to a Walmart so I may be wrong, and this may not be a cause for alarm. However, I have had extensive experience with another Mart in my neighborhood, KMart. Kmart was a terrible, terible place. It replaced a Bloomingdales, and must have lowered the property value of everything in the zip code. The Big K provided poor quality merchandise and low costs. You could save a few dollars on pampers and lawn chairs if you were willing to spend an afternoon waiting in interminably long lines.

Now I understand that Walmart has a much better reputation for quality of product and shopper satisfaction, but aren't the two stores basically the same? The one glaring difference is the type of consumer the two stores target, Kmart, positioning itself in urban areas, Walmart on the fringes of rural towns. The latter strategy has proven to be much more profitable, but it seems as if Walmart is no longer only focusing on rural communities. They are attempting to build this Supercenter in Inglewood, and 40 additional stores in California.

So what is my issue with Walmart? Let's look at the name Supercenter. It sounds large, behemoth. It's not just a supermarket, or a departmetn store or a pharmacy, but rather a Supercenter. You can put just about anything in a Supercenter. They want to build a 60 acre Supercenter in Inglewood, which would not be required to comply with city building or environmental standards. They are circumventing local authorities in Inglewood, and bringing the issue directly to the people in the form of a referendum. I'm all for the people deciding what they want in their community. I'm sure it sounds appealing as well, you really can save a lot of money, and find just about anything in a Walmart. But let's take a step back for a moment-

They pay their workers close to minimum wage. Probably the only place that a Walmart employee can actually afford to shop in is, well... Walmart. How long before they start getting into the housing business and equip their Supercenters with low cost housing for their workers? The SuperCenter, City-within-a-city is a bold idea, a grand vision, which brings to mind another grand vision,- Communism.

Their employees look happy enough, but I'm not convinced-
http://graphics.samsclub.com/wmimages/wmstores/careers_covershot.jpg

I saw two things on television last night that didn't quite look right:

-McDonald's High School All-American Candace Parker throwing down a poor imitation of Dee-Brown's 'No Look' Dunk

-And Kanye West in the Dilated Peoples "This Way" video wearing what looked like a Louis Vuitton carry all.

First Candace. She is 6'4'', headed for basketabll powerhouse Tennessee, and was named Female High School Player of the Year. The very fact that she can dunk is impressive, especially considering she blew out her knee this past summer. There aren't many women that can dunk. The only time I can recall seeing it is when Lisa Leslie dunked while playing in the WNBA. But Candace was competing in the men's (or boy's, i guess, because they are still in high school) dunk contest. While the guys wearing throwing down windmills, and alley oops, Candace looked stiff, kinda like Shawn Bradley (although I would bet she could break Bradley's ankles with a crossover). She won the contest, and made the front page of ESPN.com, where they labeled her SHEbron. At halftime of the men's McDonald's All-American game they interviewed her, and asked if she thought in the near future there would be an all-women's Slam Dunk Contest. Absolutely not. If J.R. Smith had been able to convert one of his 360 windmill attempts, then by all rights he should have won the contest, however I'm not sure he would have. It's a case of some basketball Affirmative Action.

Now I realize the dunk contest is all in good fun, but as Jason Whitlock on ESPN.com writes we all too often try and treat women's sports the same as men's sports. This isn't a knock on the women's game, but women simply can't leap as high, and are not as tall, so therefore cannot dunk like men.

And for Kanye West, I'm really feeling his verse in the new Dilated People's song, "This Way." The video is real hot too. "My penmanship, so hard it need censorship," great line Kanye.

But come on Kan man what are you wearing on your back in the video? I know you refer to yourself as The Louis Vuitton Don and pride yourself on being a 'backpacker.' But no need to combine the two in such an incongruous fashion. The only people who should be wearing Louis Vuitton carry all backpacks are Jappy girls from Great Neck. It looks ridiculous as he is walking down the block in the video. Come on Kanye, what would your momma say, or better yet what would Jay-Z say about this man purse.

I don't really use my AOL email account anymore. My inbox gets flooded with so much SPAM that I sometimes can't find my real emails. The SPAM mostly takes the form of either porn or prescription drug websites. When I get around to it I go through them deleting, deleting, deleting.

This morning I was going through doing just that, when I saw an email-

From: donette Corkum
Date: Thu, 01 Apr 2004 11:17:49 -0500
Subject: reason

I should have known that this was SPAM, but it was early, I was groggy, I opened it. Here's what it said-



sleep sort I parcel bell snow round coal credit horn art hospital insect cover fear slow minute substance voice pencil

C H E A P V I C O D I N
familyfeather.com


ticket box military boot range food girl opinion walk ant gun safe stomach slope flat fork yes lead mark pipe even west air rhythm chin flat loose range oven instrument rice tomorrow wash position account arm where goat plate fold space wound attention be country smoke hope cork question tight song war error

Wow. Wow. I guess it's been a while since I've checked in on SPAM, but its apparently evolved into a whole other animal. Ok so this is a link to some shady pharmacy selling painkillers. But what about the stream of consciousness jibber jabber. I showed it to my friend Melissa and she said it looked like a spoken word poem that someone might read while they were on vicodin.

Well put Melissa. When I first saw it I thought it might be a brain teaser or something. Where if I read every fifth word or something I would find out where Bin Laden was hiding ( or at the least how to log on to this vicodin website). But there doesn't appear to be any rhyme or reason. It looks more insidious to me. It's a barrage of of words latent with meaning. Why the military and space imagery? Why all the talk of hope and tomorrow? And most importantly why the talk of rice?!?! It's like morse code, or American Indians speaking in Appachi, sending military positioning to one another during WWII. Without a doubt this is the Information Age.

Seriosuly though, it looks like Donette Corkum (if that is your real name), was trying to sneak the email past the authorities, the DEA, the websmasters whoever is policing cyberspace now a days. Disguise the prescription pill information in the form of nonsensical words strung together in an email. Fight the good fight Donette because Big Brother is watching.